checkpoint

Three years ago, I started tutoring. Now I still am, albeit at a larger scale.

I have just finished 4 weeks of non-stop tutoring while keeping my full-time accounting job. Worked like a dog, but it was all for money. Told my mother, she was rather surprised I earned 10 grand within a month (combined from 2 jobs). Disclaimer: I do not earn this every month, tutoring is an extremely seasonal job.

Tutoring was never my long term career goal, I still do it because it’s good money. At its peak it pays double my full-time accounting salary. Currently I probably have enough savings to pay for a house deposit.

I wonder if my old self would be proud of me. I remembered there was once I briefly decided that my ambition was to become a teacher, which quickly transformed into a gardener, engineer, scientist, etc. Now I am an accountant and a tutor. Both titles are not really formidable by any means, but I convince myself this is only transitory. In the near future I will become a taxation specialist, or an entrepreneur. This is definitely not what my young self would imagine my future self to be. But I didn’t have a particular passion or longing to be somebody to start with, so that should be alright.

On second thought, I actually wanted to be somebody. During my secondary school years, I wanted to become a boyfriend who has a cute and popular girlfriend. I wanted to be a younger brother to a caring and protective older brother. I wanted to become someone with style and elegant body postures that attract attention. In the end, I gave up as I realised the difficulty and the sacrifice I had to go through to achieve these, or because of its inherent impossibility.

On the other hand, I achieved what is important to me without my old self realising it: financial independence. I don’t mean having enough money to live off the rest of my life, I mean having the means and chance to work and earn by myself without depending on my parents. Now I live with three housemates who are also close friends, and keep frequent contact with my Sydney friends as well. Coupled with this, I am actually pretty contented, even not having a partner, or having a big brother who would supposedly take care of me.

I am 23 now. I am always complaining about how old I am quickly getting, and to think that five years back I was still a minor, with next to no knowledge to the business world. But this is also why I need to remind my lazy self not to slack for too long a time. I will go to Japan next month for a well-deserved holiday with parents, but I will still have that taxation specialist goal at the back of my mind. That is, if I don’t change my ambition again.

Lol

To think that I would one day return to this place and actually blog. Too many things going in my mind and I need to lay them down in writing somewhere (finals is tomorrow btw).

But I have too many things in my mind that I duno what to lay down. It's like they just clump together, too big to flow through an imaginary pipe out of my mind. Usually I would just sleep/nap and it'll be alright, but I have already done that just an hour or so ago and sleeping too much will cause me headaches (known it through experience, duno if others suffer the same problem or not). Besides, I have finals tomorrow and I don't really wanna waste any more time, though I could probably get a 90 or something for tomorrow's subject (Finance) if I remain not studying as 1. exams in Aussie are easier than in Malaysia (at least in Business faculty) and 2. I have consistently studied throughout this semester as I don't believe in last-minute information-cramming "studying", however I do acknowledge that people who successfully do that are talented in their own way. Sounds very lc but yeah that's how I interpret it. And technically speaking I don't have any reason to ace my exams as I cannot upgrade my scholarship, I only need to get a 75 average if I'm not mistaken. But my kiasu mindset makes me strive to stay on top of everything I study, which I'm trying to reduce it.

My friend say I'm currently at a "denial phase", meaning I'm trying to justify everything I do with lots of reasons. She said why can't I just do something I really wanted to do instead of pressuring myself to study when I don't need to. But I think that for this moment studying - and reading philosophical stuff - is what I should do in order to improve myself. And justifying my decisions with reasons, is it really anything wrong with that? Maybe if I'm really in that phase, I wouldn't have realized myself, and thus I should just go ahead with what I'm doing now (and blogging perhaps) so that after I come out of that phase, I would realize what had happened actually.

At least I write down something lol. Not even a fraction of the things in my mind but at least a good start.

What the hell?

That's my reaction when i saw my blog.

So much has changed. I don't really blog anymore and today is one of those rarest moments when i actually read my older posts.

What the hell? Is the blogger really me?

I guess it would be more appropriate to equate the blogger to my old self, not me.

Im form 5 now, and even without my friends telling me i can tell that i have undergone alot of changes this year (maybe my friends can see more obviously than i can..who knows?). Go ahead and compare the current me and the me last year. Am i the better me now?

I have changed sooooooooo much!! That's the only way i can describe myself.

Anyhow, i believe that some things about me that will not change. Example? No idea. I just believe in that xD

I really hope that im a better person now. =D

Blister

I've just gotten a friggin blister on my thumb due to banging the piano repeatedly. I was just practicing one of my choir songs (yeah I'm in choir as a pianist - but I suck at it) and realized I still played too slow even though I played as fast as I could. Anger and desperation overcame me and I kept banging my left hand on the keys, octave apart, and ended up having a blister on my left thumb. It's not serious, but I'll have to leave it for days to heal before I can practice again. And about next week I'll have to play it for the choir. Shit.

P/S: Dusting my blog. Deleting chatbox spam. For your information I don't give a fuck about my blog traffic, because I want to keep my lameness inside my blog, away from most people. So fuck off now spammers.

Yee Ling,

Tell me it's a joke. Tell me you're making fun of all of us. Tell me I'm stupid to believe this.

Laugh at me. Laugh at me for being a fool to believe all these crap.

Okay, now all of us are fools because we believe the news. Now will you just come out of your hiding place? I don't care being laughed at you. I wish fervently that it's a joke, a very bad and unfunny joke.

But I know it's not.
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I suppose most of you wouldn't know what I was talking about. I'll just write what I know so far.

After school, I was at the restaurant to tapao my lunch. Since the mixed rice - Yee Ling's mother's - stall was closed, I went to the chicken rice stall.

Halfway chopping a chicken, the uncle ask me this:

"The daughter of the mixed rice stall aunty goes tuition with you, isn't it?"

I said no, because she had stopped her tuition in the middle of last year...

"She's dead."

I was like, what the hell? I gaped at the uncle. 'Kui sei jor' these 3 words still lingered in my brain.

"Ya, that's why her mother didn't open stall..."

I was still doubting whether what he said was true or not, but at the same time my heart dropped. It was an unusual feeling.

"How did that happened?"

"She died in the hospital."

That's not what I wanted to know, but I took that answer as a 'dunno' because he would have told me straightaway if he had known why. I felt like wanting to cry, but I remembered I was in a restaurant filled with people and I switched on my 'poker face' mode. (This contradicts my last blog post, but sometimes I do had to pretend and control my emotions.)

I paid him for my chicken rice, and then I went back home. Along the journey I was still thinking 'How could it be? How could this happen?' When I finally reached home, I went to her FB profile to check whether it was true. And like what I had half-expected, many of her friends posted RIP messages on her wall. That means she is really gone.

A sense of sadness hit me. After my grandmother, she is the second person I know who had passed away. This is different from my grandma, though. She was old, sick and had stroke, which meant it was only a matter of time that she would pass away. But Yee Ling was not that sick. And she is only 16. She was only 16. She hadn't repay her parents, she had many things left to be done, she had an ambition which she hadn't fulfill. She had wanted to be a psychiatrist, and she wanted to help others out of misery when she grows up. She was an optimist and had lived life to the fullest. And she had scored straight A's in her PMR. A girl so young but full of good intentions and had a bright future, why she had to die? Why life must be so unfair?

Oh yes, I forgot something. Life is unfair. Like how there are people who are suffering like hell right now, and people like us, sitting in front of the computer. But what can we do? We can only watch as our loved ones leave this world. There's nothing we can do to reverse back anything.

And now that she's gone, I suppose she wouldn't mind if I link her blog. Even you had left us, but I want to tell you that you still exist in my memory. And I promise I will live life to the fullest, like how you had done. Rest in peace, Yee Ling.

Pretense

I have entered the world of pretense.

In a world where so many people are pretending had made me to pretend. But now I'm sick of pretending. I'm sick of acting differently from what I really feel. Pretending is not one of my talents, obviously.

I had thought I was good at lying. I had lied to my mum, whom I told that I had consumed my vitamins, but actually I hadn't. I had lied to my teachers, when I told them I had forgotten to do my homework, but actually I didn't do it on purpose. These are just trivial lies, but they had encouraged me to lie more convincingly. And I had thought I was a damn good liar. Little did I know that there are people that can pretend for 24 hours a day without letting it show on their faces. I wouldn't know about it if my friends hadn't told me about these people.

I should actually admire them, for they have the perseverance to pretend in front of everybody (or are they born pretending?). People around me are pretending. Pretend to like me, pretend that we are still friends, pretend that they are innocent - all these are minor pretense. But their pretense will be more terrifying as we grow up.

Steps must be taken to prevent this from happening. Firstly, we must not befriend someone that looks like he/she is pretending. Next, we should be careful of our friends. Last but not least, try not to share your secrets with your friends because they might be just pretending to listen to your deepest secrets and later they might spread it out to everybody in the world There's no use preventing it, because too many people are pretending. Even your best friend could be pretending. The people sitting next to you, in front of you, diagonally to the right of you could be pretending. And there's no use identifying who are pretending, because you might be heartbroken to know that 4 of the 5 friends you are closest to are pretenders.

My friend told me just now that if you see somebody always smiles and never feels sad, then he's the dangerous one. If you see somebody gets angry, he's safe to be with. That's good advice.

Emo

Even 1 week of holiday in the hectic upper secondary school life doesn't cheer me up.

Suddenly wish that tomorrow is a school day, at least it will keep me busy from thinking all the emo stuff.

Yesterday when I went to tuition, my tuition friend complained to me that she hated X (where X is a backup pianist in my school's choir team, X ≠ Carson, sorry I have to explain it this way because I did too much add maths) when X played the piano because his playing speed was unsteady and the rest of the choir members had to cope with him so hard but still the song sucked. As X's friend, I immediately defended him by explaining not all pianist can play like Justin (not Bieber, mind you. He's the main pianist) because he's, I dare say, talented at playing the piano. She fired back by saying she's not comparing X with Justin, and our argument continued but not for long, because after that we're near tears. I didn't want to bad mouth Justin, because I've always admired him and I can never play like him, so I never said it out, but he actually brainwashed everyone in the school by playing the piano perfectly most of the time, which had led us to think that all pianist should play like that. But anyway I felt sad for X for being hated for doing nothing wrong and for myself because I sucks more than X (which leads to this inequality: Carson < X < Justin).

I listened to Avril Lavigne's "When You're Gone", which contributes the most to my recently emotional state. It made me feel it's the most beautiful music in the world, and I thought of a lot of things, including my grandma. (When I read the comments on Youtube, everyone's thinking about their dead grandmother. Strange.) I'm still blaming myself for her death. I felt like crying but I couldn't. Sometimes I envy Shi En, because she can cry if she wants to. Crying is good for releasing stress, after all. I felt like borrowing a friend's shoulder to cry (preferably a boy's one. This is not sex discrimination, but a girl's shoulder seems inappropriate).

And my wish was granted, somehow, when I was dreaming in my sleep: A Form 5 male friend revealed to me that he actually knew how to play the piano, and had been quiet about it. And he's Grade 8. I felt so useless and stupid and weak, so I cried. He kept comforting me like a brother, and then I forgot what happened. I guessed I didn't cry in reality because my pillow was not wet and I didn't felt good. *That guy's identity should remain unknown as he did nothing other than entering my dream. And as far as I know, he doesn't play the piano. So what the hell. = =

♥ Avril Lavigne's songs, When You're Gone and What The Hell.

When you're gone, The pieces of my heart are missing you

I shouldn't be listening to this song as it only causes me to become more emo. Hence I should listen to this:

All my life I've been good, but now, oooooh I'm thinking What the hell ♥

Hope tomorrow's class trip will make me feel better =).

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Read some of my old blog posts. I was surprised that I had blogged some nice and humorous posts. You can read them here.